


A Court Of Darkness And Light

by adoringpynch



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26667364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adoringpynch/pseuds/adoringpynch
Summary: Azriel is transgender. He was born in the wrong body. And that was the only crime he ever committed. Being different, not loving the opposite gender, it was a crime worse than murder. The latest was pretty common in the night court, nothing to worry about, not really, expect you know you‘re a potentional victim.So he decides to flee from his abusive home, trying to make it to another court, Day, Spring, hell even the Autumn court can‘t be worse. On his journey he meets Cassian, a young Illyrian male, born the wrong way as way. Together they decide to protect each other, to stay togther, to surrive.But before they can reach the border they meet the young High Lord Rhysand. Manipulative as he is, he‘s making them stay with him, go with him to the heart of the Night Court. However Azriel and Cassian are smart, they see behind the mask, know the lies he‘s trying to tell them. So they decide to protect people like him, pretend to be „normal“, to fit in. Just to keep all these others safe.It had only been a question of time until Rhysand eventually found out the truth. So Cassian helps Azriel escape with his mate and the others. To keep them safe. To protect them.Will they surrive?
Kudos: 1





	A Court Of Darkness And Light

Azriel‘s P.o.V.

I had always known I was different. I had always known I was born in the wrong body. So naturally I tried my best to change that. I didn‘t quite understood why my parents cried when I told them. Illyrians never cried, it was a sign of weakness and that’s something we didn’t know. They were disgusted, disappointed, scared. But I guess I wasn‘t able to judge, not really. After all I just confessed a crime, if not the worst crime, to them. What were they supposed to do? If they told the High Lord they couldn’t ask for mercy, if they let me live I’d be a disgrace. So they did what they were ever only taught: Torture me, show me violence. 

Every single night, when I cried myself to sleep, when I tried to ignore the pain, I quietly asked myself: What had I ever done wrong? I was born this way, after all. There was no healing, because I was not sick. I just didn‘t get it, I didn‘t do anything than expressing myself. The problem wasn‘t me, it was the disgusting world we lived in. So I continued to change my body to look the way it was supposed to be. I continued to make my voice deeper. To pray to whatever god would listen, to safe me. Even though I knew deep down that the only person who would be able to safe me was myself. 

Eventually the shadows started whispering their stories in my ear, telling me to keep on fighting, to not give up. I didn‘t quite understand what was going on, I simply blamed it on me going mad in the ever lasting darkness, with nothing but pain and loneliness. „Shadowsinger, tell us what to do“, they whispered to me in soft voices. „Make me male, make me the person I‘m supposed to be“, I replied desperatly one night. I thought I was dreaming when I saw shadows swirling around me, touching me, whispering softly. As I carefully looked down my body changed, it looked more male, more like I wanted it to be. „Thank you“, I whispered, crying soundlessly. „Nothing to thank for Shadowsinger“, they replied, hugging me. It might seem odd, but it almost seemed as if the shadows cared about me. As if I‘d be some kind of master to them. And maybe I was, maybe I had some allies after all. „Why are you helping me?“, I asked them eventually. „Because we are like you. Humans are scared of us. They don‘t bother to listen to our stories. They don‘t care, they don‘t love, they are scared and suspicous and never brave enough to be themselves. But you? You are different. You listened, you care enough to listen, so Azriel, we decided to protect you. If you let us. If you‘re brave enough“, they gave me a boy name. They weren‘t disgusted. They seemed to genuinely care. It might had been the loneliness, the fear of what might happen next, but I decided to trust them. „Thank you, thank you for choosing me. Azriel, I like that name“, I whispered back.

This night I slept peacefully for the first time in forever. But the peace didn‘t long, it never had in this house. I was woken up by my father‘s scream. „What have you done? What have you done, you monster! How did you do this? Witch, monster“, he yelled. Fury and anxiety in his eyes, he yelled for my brothers. As they saw me disgust and fear crossed their face. Again growing up like us, you couldn‘t blame them, it‘s what they taught them, how they brainwahsed them. Would it excuse what they were about to do? Perheaps. Father sent them to get wood to set the fire. At first a little, naive voice inside my head thought they did it to keep me warm, but they never actually cared about me. Not as Azriel. Not when I was a girl. No one ever loved me, cared about me, wanted me around them. Sure, it sounded harsh. You however get used to the ever lasting feeling of not belonging when you were like me. When my brothers arrived with the wood and made a fire close to my feet, my father took hold of my hands. I knew it wouldn‘t help me to fight him, I was too weak. So I let them. Before I realized what was about to happen my father burned my hands. It hurt like hell, I was about to scream because the pain was unbearable. I didn‘t though, knowing this would only make things worse. I stayed silent throughout the whole proocess. I just let them hurt me. If it helped them, if this made them happy, they shall have their way. It wasn‘t like I had any way to fight them anyways. Maybe I even deserved it, deserved the pain, the torture. „Understand this: You are a girl! You neither deserve your wings, nor these unnatural powers“, my father spitted out. „I am not a girl father. I was born a boy, trapped in the wrong body. I cannot be healed because I am not sick. There is nothing you can do, but accept who I am. Or let me die“, I said, voice steady, knowing he‘d rather choose to kill me than accepting who I am. „You are sick. This is a crime. You are disgarce“, he said, fear made his voice softer. „So kill me“, I told him. Because death was easier to take than the ever lasting pain. „I can‘t“, he whispered, tears running down his cheeks again. It was that very moment I realized: Maybe he wasn‘t a monster, maybe he simply never had a chance. Which obviously didn‘t apologize his actions, just made them understandable. It was also the moment I decided it was my time to disappear.

I waited until they left me for the night, taking every bit of their anger and fear silently. „Shadows? Can you help me escape?“, I whispered, hoping they somehow would be able to help me. I didn‘t know for sure, but I thought I heard my father telling my brothers that they will take my wings off tomorrow. So it was my last change to run, to hope I would be away far enought when they‘d be awkae the next day. „Of course, Shadowsinger“, they whispered, caressing me softly. „But please leave the scars on my hands. I want to have a reminder of what they‘ve done to me. What they‘d been made to do to me. I want a reason to fight out there“, I begged them. „We will do nothing you don‘t want to, Shadowsinger“. I‘d never quite understood how the shadows worked, what kind of magic they had, how they freed me this night, but they did and I promised myself that I would forever be thankful for them. 

Once I was free from my chains, they led me outside of the house, hiding me from my family. I quitely said my goodbye to them, hoping that eventually they would find peace and happiness, now that I was gone. „Where should I go now?“, I asked helplessly. „Wherever your hearts takes you, Shadowsinger“, the shadows answered. But when your heart was broken in a trillon pieces, which piece would you follow? As I never learned to fly, I decided to just blindly run. I didn‘t care where, just away. Away from the pain, away from the sadness, away from the lonlieness. Well, the loneliness would be my most loyal companion now, that I‘d surrive on my own. Couldn‘t be much different than being tied to a chair in a windowless room, right? Couldn‘t be that much harder. So I ran, ran as far as my feet were able to take me. Eventually I collapsed to the cold, unforgiving ground and fell asleep, hoping no one would kill me that night. 

The exhaustion made me uncareful as I almost missed the sound of the footstpes that would steadily come cloer to me.


End file.
